John and
Mary meet.
What happens
next?
If you want
a happy ending, try A.
A.
John and Mary fall in love and get married.
They both have worthwhile and remunerative jobs which they find stimulating and
challenging. They buy a charming house. Real estate values go up. Eventually,
when they can afford live-in help, they have two children, to whom they are
devoted. The children turn out well. John and Mary have a stimulating and
challenging sex life and worthwhile friends. They go on fun vacations together.
They retire. They both have hobbies which they find stimulating and
challenging. Eventually they die. This is the end of the story.
B.
Mary falls in love with John but John doesn't
fall in love with Mary. He merely uses her body for selfish pleasure and ego
gratification of a tepid kind. He comes to her apartment twice a week and she
cooks him dinner, you'll notice that he doesn't even consider her worth the
price of a dinner out, and after he's eaten dinner he fucks her and after that
he falls asleep, while she does the dishes so he won't think she's untidy, having
all those dirty dishes lying around, and puts on fresh lipstick so she'll look
good when he wakes up, but when he wakes up he doesn't even notice, he puts on
his socks and his shorts and his pants and his shirt and his tie and his shoes,
the reverse order from the one in which he took them off. He doesn't take off
Mary's clothes, she takes them off herself, she acts as if she's dying for it
every time, not because she likes sex exactly, she doesn't, but she wants John
to think she does because if they do it often enough surely he'll get used to
her, he'll come to depend on her and they will get married, but John goes out
the door with hardly so much as a good-night and three days later he turns up
at six o'clock and they do the whole thing over again. Mary gets run-down.
Crying is bad for your face, everyone knows that and so does Mary but she can't
stop. People at work notice. Her friends tell her John is a rat, a pig, a dog,
he isn't good enough for her, but she can't believe it. Inside John, she thinks,
is another John, who is much nicer. This other John will emerge like a
butterfly from a cocoon, a Jack from a box, a pit from a prune, if the first
John is only squeezed enough. One evening John complains about the food. He has
never complained about her food before. Mary is hurt. Her friends tell her
they've seen him in a restaurant with another woman, whose name is Madge. It's
not even Madge that finally gets to Mary: it's the restaurant. John has never
taken Mary to a restaurant. Mary collects all the sleeping pills and aspirins she
can find, and takes them and a half a bottle of sherry. You can see what kind
of a woman she is by the fact that it's not even whiskey. She leaves a note for
John. She hopes he'll discover her and get her to the hospital in time and
repent and then they can get married, but this fails to happen and she dies. John
marries Madge and everything continues as in A.
C.
John, who is an older man, falls in love with
Mary, and Mary, who is only twenty-two, feels sorry for him because he's
worried about his hair falling out. She sleeps with him even though she's not
in love with him. She met him at work. She's in love with someone called James,
who is twenty-two also and not yet ready to settle down. John on the contrary
settled down long ago: this is what is bothering him. John has a steady,
respectable job and is getting ahead in his field, but Mary isn't impressed by him,
she's impressed by James, who has a motorcycle and a fabulous record collection.
But James is often away on his motorcycle, being free. Freedom isn't the same
for girls, so in the meantime Mary spends Thursday evenings with John. Thursdays
are the only days John can get away. John is married to a woman called Madge
and they have two children, a charming house which they bought just before the
real estate values went up, and hobbies which they find stimulating and
challenging, when they have the time. John tells Mary how important she is to
him, but of course he can't leave his wife because a commitment is a
commitment. He goes on about this more than is necessary and Mary finds it
boring, but older men can keep it up longer so on the whole she has a fairly
good time. One day James breezes in on his motorcycle with some top-grade
California hybrid and James and Mary get higher than you'd believe possible and
they climb into bed. Everything becomes very underwater, but along comes John,
who has a key to Mary's apartment. He finds them stoned and entwined. He's
hardly in any position to be jealous, considering Madge, but nevertheless he's
overcome with despair. Finally he's middle-aged, in two years he'll be as bald
as an egg and he can't stand it. He purchases a handgun, saying he needs it for
target practice--this is the thin part of the plot, but it can be dealt with
later--and shoots the two of them and himself. Madge, after a suitable period
of mourning, marries an understanding man called Fred and everything continues
as in A, but under different names.
D.
Fred and
Madge have no problems. They get along exceptionally well and are good at
working out any little difficulties that may arise. But their charming house is
by the seashore and one day a giant tidal wave approaches. Real estate values
go down. The rest of the story is about what caused the tidal wave and how they
escape from it. They do, though thousands drown, but Fred and Madge are
virtuous and grateful, and continue as in A.
E.
Yes, but Fred has a bad heart. The rest of the
story is about how kind and understanding they both are until Fred dies. Then
Madge devotes herself to charity work until the end of A. If you like, it can
be "Madge," "cancer," "guilty and confused," and
"bird watching."
F.
If you think this is all too bourgeois, make
John a revolutionary and Mary a counterespionage agent and see how far that
gets you. Remember, this is Canada. You'll still end up with A, though in
between you may get a lustful brawling saga of passionate involvement, a
chronicle of our times, sort of. You'll have to face it, the endings are the
same however you slice it. Don't be deluded by any other endings, they're all
fake, either deliberately fake, with malicious intent to deceive, or just
motivated by excessive optimism if not by downright sentimentality. The only
authentic ending is the one provided here:
John and Mary die. John and Mary die. John
and Mary die.
So much for endings. Beginnings are always
more fun. True connoisseurs, however, are known to favor the stretch in
between, since it's the hardest to do anything with. That's about all that can
be said for plots, which anyway are just one thing after another, a what and a
what and a what. Now try How and Why.
No comments:
Post a Comment